Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.