@impaulmccoy

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

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@PaperWash

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

@Rich_McCarthy

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

@bourgeoisalien

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

@carlyken

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

@aster7_m

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

@ShesARealGenius

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

@iSubsisting

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

@Arroia

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

@dulcetry

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!