Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
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My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
What do you hear?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions