Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
You Might Also Like
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.