@michael_raphone

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

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@SirEviscerate

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

@rickolantern

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

@Bryainiac

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

@whereami18

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

@karanbirtinna

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

@Coolisiana

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

@Fulkery1

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.