“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
You Might Also Like
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.