“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

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OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail


Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.


I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.


I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them


Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*


(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*


[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?



ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*


I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.