OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
You Might Also Like
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag