Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.