“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
You Might Also Like
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Meow?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman