‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake