can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
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Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR