“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
reviewed some movies recently
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.