“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
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Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”