“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
This meal prepping shit easy
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist