Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Big Sex has us all fooled