Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
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If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
This is me 🤣🤣
me as a parent
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think