Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!