Canada has crack?
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My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
remember
only for emergencies
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.