Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
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*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.