Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
You Might Also Like
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.