It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.