@MsCassieDaniels

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

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@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

@Izianikapani

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

@audipenny

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

@KagroX

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

@Browtweaten

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

@withanewname

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.