Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

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It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.


The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.


Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.


I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride


The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.


[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work


Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.