@KeetPotato It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
@MsCassieDaniels Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
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@KeetPotato 
@cerebralbeef The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
@SwirlySkittles Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
@Izianikapani Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
@crunchenhanced Running your mouth is not cardio.
@audipenny I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
@KagroX The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
@Browtweaten [pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
@ashgrash Ok, but like, how married are you?
@withanewname Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.