Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.


i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work


I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.


I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.


If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.


After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.


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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.


The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.