@noog

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

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@swiftenhaal

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

@NotThatKevin

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

@OllyiConic

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

@ColoradoUgly

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

@mugkip

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

@Shariv67

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

@Inconsteveable

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

@DanteEvilCat

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

@kidphonic

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.