Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall