Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
The pen is writier than the sword.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out