CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
You Might Also Like
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine