if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
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KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
her: i’m a cat person
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.