Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
drew a comic about my origin story
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.