#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
got so much cardio in today
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.