Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do