Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
You Might Also Like
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
operators are standing by to ignore your call
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.