Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
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Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
(yawn)
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I wanna be friends with this person
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.