Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!