Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
new shirt idea
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here