Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
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My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”