canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
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I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Spring cleaning checklist…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner