CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
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THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
At least my masseuse has my back.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I have two kinds of followers
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.