Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Xylophonist Shredding It
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie