Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
What do you hear?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.