Candid photo of me, eating chips.
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wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Well, this certainly took a turn
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”