Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?