candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Warm pools make me nervous.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that