Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”


75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy


I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide


Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!


If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.


PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.


I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey


College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years


Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.


Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!