Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Bond. Trauma bond.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder