In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
ME: …mint condition.
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.