[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

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HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?


My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”


I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.


ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth


My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.


Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?


Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.


My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.


Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!


Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.