@TheToddWilliams

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

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@TheRobCee

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

@DaddyJew

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

@david8hughes

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

@TheAlexNevil

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

@bornmiserable

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

@Cornjerker78

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.