@TheToddWilliams

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

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@Robert_Beau

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

@hello_saylor

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

@CroweJam

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

@tarashoe

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

@GrahamKritzer

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

@WashedUpTweeter

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

@jus4golf

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

@djdarrellripley

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

@missekay

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.