[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.