[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps