cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
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“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good