Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
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One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
reduce, reuse, recycle
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Okay, I’m still confused…
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.