canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
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Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
yeah not falling for this one
i actually laughed 😩
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*