Can’t. About to go please some beans
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Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.