Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
You Might Also Like
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
CRYING
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP