You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too