Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.