Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.