Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
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“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!