Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast