can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
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How high do the levels go?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Xylophonist Shredding It
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty