can’t bark with your mouth full
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Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.