“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
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Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro